There was a man named Lammity who spent time in the army, see
his postings to far distant lands played into Lammo's wicked hands.
He spent a little time in Guam and did
The most OUTRAGEOUS harm
to our relations with the French, he hid
Their diplomat's best hat inside the ceremonial shed
And cried out loud "that golden hutch"
(That all are forbidden to touch)
"contains the trilby; velvet, red,
of French Ambassador Jean Noir, abandoned
in the throes of passion (and in the most EGREGIOUS fashion)
as he made love unto his car."

Lammity caused quite a stir, a small fracas; in French a "guerre"
But ultimately it was found, there was no truth in that rogue's words and
if his lies were for the birds then prison was the only place,
but Lammo ran (as run one might) all fleet of foot,
he could not face incarceration in a gaol; he fled by night. But
bullets cut him down, that fugitive run had to fail, he put a foot wrong thus, you see, (1929-63)

Tibbton Skivs

Tibbton Skivs, (1983-) is a secretive soul. Much of his past is cloaked in the sludge of time. He can however often been found lurking outside the worlds least popular museums.

Several of these sightings have been outside 'The Hall of Oars', where he would interrogate visitors, covering all aspects of their lives. Please be aware, his questions always lead to what extent you will sponsor his lifestyle.

Other targeted areas include:

The Decorative Plate Foundation
The Royal Hall of Oars,
The North Wales Gallery of Scared Cats,
The Lost Glove Emporium (only on Tuesdays),
Sir Craigson Dirv's Filthy Aquarium,

If encountered mention 'apple pudding' and he should leave you be.

Portus Gwent

But for his one, heinous crime, Portus Gwent (1940-) might be considered an insignificant footnote to human history. An adequate father to Pam and Jimmy, a casual but occasionally inspired lover to wife Elaine, Gwent was a jobbing builder in the Wootton Bassett area.

For all his cheerful mediocrity, Portus Gwent ultimately did more damage to polite society than any "reality TV show" or "stand-up comedienne" ever could. As an apprentice in 1957, reaching for a piece of dowelling just beyond his grasp, he exceeded the safe "angle of lean" and exposed the upper cleft of his buttocks to housewife Minnie Tinsley. He had invented the clativecius IV or, as it is sometimes known, "builder's bum"

From the earliest days of the guilds, the gluteus maximus of a tradesman had been held under wraps by a mixture of fear and good practice. But following Gwent's initial unveiling of this sacred zone, the floodgates opened. By 1964, few maiden aunts were ignorant of the form and pallor of the inter-buttock crevice. Britain had lost its innocence, the Beatles were on the charts, and nothing would ever be the same again.

Iain Webster

 Leaving school at 15, Iain Webster (1988-) quickly found employ as a Betterware man, selling mops, buckets, creams and unguents door to door. He beat targets month on month for his first year and was soon promoted to line manager  for the Greater Birmingham area. Aged 17, he bought a Mercedes car with cash. At 20 he was living with his catalogue model girlfriend Paula in a city centre flat overlooking Birmingham's Bullring Centre. Then tragedy struck. Webster stacked his Merc into a pack of cub scouts out for bob-a-job week. If his crime had been one of carelessness, that would have been bad enough, but Iain actually flipped the out-of-control vehicle on purpose in order to "take out" a stray cub.

He currently resides at Her Majesty's pleasure.

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