i dream of a world without you

Vincent Crepuscular

2010-08-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

With a voice that could charm the bats from their caves and a torso as chiselled as Martin Kemp's chin, Vincent Crepuscular (1949 -) found fame as a musician, model, and heart throb for the alternative scene over the course of three decades.

In the mid 90s Crepuscular's band 'the Crypts' split due to creative differences but were contractually bound to record one final album together ('Last Nail in the Coffin' - 1996). Due to increasingly aggressive feuds Vincent recorded vocals in a seperate session from the band, who later sabotaged the instruments and recording equipment with semi-automatic weapons rendering many of their tracks unuseable. Unbeknownst to the frontman at that time, desperate executives drafted in the band recording a Poundstretcher jingle in the neighbouring sound booth to fill gaps in production. Needless to say, the album bombed and journalist Vaugh Highside famously dubbed the star "Vincent Craptacular" in 'Music Yeah Wow' issue #932.

Crepuscular retired from the music industry and took to writing poetry, though controversy over his last publication saw it recalled after PTA members reported he was 'thinly masking vampirism as a metaphor for themes of paedophilia'.

Eliza Trembleshroud

2010-07-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

Eliza Trembleshroud's (born Sharon Flepps. 1975) reign of inconvenience began in the summer of 1991 when she landed a Saturday job in John Menzies, Rotherham. All seemed to go smoothly for the first few weeks until Mrs Ida Lenthorpe (now deceased) returned her copy of People's Friend after she discovered that every face in the magazine had been replaced with that of popular goth heart throb, Vincent Crepuscular. On closer examination of the magazine racks it was revealed that Eliza had drawn bats throughout every copy of "Caravanning Today", penned an indecent poem about Vincent Crepuscular on the contents page of "Our Pets" and inserted a "free gift" of a freeze-dried weasel's tear in every copy of "What Radiator". She was last seen working in Greggs in Whitby.

Lammity

2010-01-24T12:51:00.000-08:00

There was a man named Lammity who spent time in the army, see
his postings to far distant lands played into Lammo's wicked hands.
He spent a little time in Guam and did
The most OUTRAGEOUS harm
to our relations with the French, he hid
Their diplomat's best hat inside the ceremonial shed
And cried out loud "that golden hutch"
(That all are forbidden to touch)
"contains the trilby; velvet, red,
of French Ambassador Jean Noir, abandoned
in the throes of passion (and in the most EGREGIOUS fashion)
as he made love unto his car."

Lammity caused quite a stir, a small fracas; in French a "guerre"
But ultimately it was found, there was no truth in that rogue's words and
if his lies were for the birds then prison was the only place,
but Lammo ran (as run one might) all fleet of foot,
he could not face incarceration in a gaol; he fled by night. But
bullets cut him down, that fugitive run had to fail, he put a foot wrong thus, you see, (1929-63)

Tibbton Skivs

2010-01-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

Tibbton Skivs, (1983-) is a secretive soul. Much of his past is cloaked in the sludge of time. He can however often been found lurking outside the worlds least popular museums.

Several of these sightings have been outside 'The Hall of Oars', where he would interrogate visitors, covering all aspects of their lives. Please be aware, his questions always lead to what extent you will sponsor his lifestyle.

Other targeted areas include:

The Decorative Plate Foundation
The Royal Hall of Oars,
The North Wales Gallery of Scared Cats,
The Lost Glove Emporium (only on Tuesdays),
Sir Craigson Dirv's Filthy Aquarium,

If encountered mention 'apple pudding' and he should leave you be.

Portus Gwent

2010-01-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

But for his one, heinous crime, Portus Gwent (1940-) might be considered an insignificant footnote to human history. An adequate father to Pam and Jimmy, a casual but occasionally inspired lover to wife Elaine, Gwent was a jobbing builder in the Wootton Bassett area.

For all his cheerful mediocrity, Portus Gwent ultimately did more damage to polite society than any "reality TV show" or "stand-up comedienne" ever could. As an apprentice in 1957, reaching for a piece of dowelling just beyond his grasp, he exceeded the safe "angle of lean" and exposed the upper cleft of his buttocks to housewife Minnie Tinsley. He had invented the clativecius IV or, as it is sometimes known, "builder's bum"

From the earliest days of the guilds, the gluteus maximus of a tradesman had been held under wraps by a mixture of fear and good practice. But following Gwent's initial unveiling of this sacred zone, the floodgates opened. By 1964, few maiden aunts were ignorant of the form and pallor of the inter-buttock crevice. Britain had lost its innocence, the Beatles were on the charts, and nothing would ever be the same again.

Iain Webster

2010-01-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

Leaving school at 15, Iain Webster (1988-) quickly found employ as a Betterware man, selling mops, buckets, creams and unguents door to door. He beat targets month on month for his first year and was soon promoted to line manager for the Greater Birmingham area. Aged 17, he bought a Mercedes car with cash. At 20 he was living with his catalogue model girlfriend Paula in a city centre flat overlooking Birmingham's Bullring Centre. Then tragedy struck. Webster stacked his Merc into a pack of cub scouts out for bob-a-job week. If his crime had been one of carelessness, that would have been bad enough, but Iain actually flipped the out-of-control vehicle on purpose in order to "take out" a stray cub.

He currently resides at Her Majesty's pleasure.

Denny Tempest

2009-12-28T13:01:00.000-08:00

Denny Tempest (1974 - Present) worked for a time at the Lord Darlingville Museum of Arctic Curiosities in Taunton, UK. His role was primarily as till clerk in the gift shop, selling 'Icy Explorer' lollies and penguin pencil sharpeners to groups of recently educated school children.

The museum's archives also housed the Fabrizio Endemic collection, the accumulated notes, equipment and letters of the famous explorer himself. Fascinated by the man, Denny Tempest would dress up in Endemic's old exploration gear and stride purposefully about the museum after closing, proclaiming himself to be 'Lord of the Arctic'. Endemic's goose-down tunic was unfortunately covered in the spores of the rare Arctic disease; Lumptatoes. Tempest unwittingly unleashed a plague upon the European population after a French school exchange group visited the museum. He still works at the Museum of Arctic Curiosities, but no longer has contact with the public.

T. Presper Mauchly

2009-12-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

T. Presper Mauchly (1943-1989) achieved notoriety for creating and producing the quiz show 'GET IT RIGHT' where members of the public were threatened with physical pain if they answered questions incorrectly.

During the shows three year run Mauchly would often provoke the contestants, by claiming that he knew the answers. He would repeat these claims over and over again, many of the contestants would choose physical pain over his unrelenting psychological barrage.

When interviewed about 'GET IT RIGHT' Mauchly would reply with only two words 'brown trapples'. Historian Dr Teddy Hamper believed this may have been a reference to Moses, whose catchphraise 'grey trapples' won the hearts of the Egyptians way back in 1638.

In November 1989 Mauchly paddled his dory boat into the pacific ocean, in a letter discovered three months later he claimed to be "searching for a dream".

Local mythology supposes that Mauchly was soon eaten by the giant octopus, Graham Johnson

Googie Müller

2009-12-04T12:31:00.000-08:00

Googie Müller (real name Lesley Müller) was a leading light in the "Polyester Folk" movement of the mid-1970s. His lunchtime TV show ("Play Today the Googie Way" - Tyne Tees Television 1974-76) was watched by audiences of up to 134 people on a daily basis. His love of man-made fabrics was ultimately his downfall when during a frenetic strumming section in "Froggie Went A-Courtin'" his signature polyester knitwear combusted. Within one verse he'd managed to destroy his rollneck sweater, beard, two thirds of the set and the rest of his career.

King Jenks

2009-11-23T13:03:00.000-08:00

King Jenks (1983 - present) was shift supervisor at 'Cloud City', a Star Wars themed milkshake bar in Llandudno in the long hot summer of 2004. Cloud City in that period endured a particularly vindictive rivalry with the local 'Corn-Cob Cantina', a well-known corn-based fast food joint popular at the time. During breaks, King Jenks (real name unknown) had taken to relieving himself against the stacked sacks of pre-roasted corn cobs that were stored in the rear yard of the Cantina before they were re-heated and served. Jenks, something of a swaggering braggart, was indiscreet with the story of his repeated angry fouling and was sacked by Cloud City. His angry howls can on dark nights be heard travelling from atop the Great Orm, where he now works in the gift shop. He is in danger of losing that job as well, most likely due to the incessant howling.

Gary Flinch

2009-11-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

Gary Sebastopol Flinch was born twice, due to an administrational error, in Cleveleys in 1959. He first rose to prominence in the summer of '79 as a finalist in the short lived TV talent show "Show Us Exactly Why You Think You're Better Than Everyone Else" with his cat hypnosis act. Flinchmania grabbed the nation briefly between June and early August 1979 but came to an abrupt end when Flinch made some extremely disparaging remarks about TV host Choochie Playton's appearance on her live chat show "It's Choochie! Talk Me!".

Flinch went into hiding for 12 years only to reappear at the back end of the Baggy scene when he guested onstage with the New Fast Automatic Daffodils at the Cleveley's Mad For It Weekender. During their penultimate number (Missing Parts of Famous People) Flinch attempted to hypnotise 14 cats simultaneously. It was obvious to everyone in attendance that the old "Flinch magic" had definitely gone for good.

Ginchy Robinson Jnr

2009-10-25T03:26:00.000-07:00

Ginchy Robinson Jnr (1958-1989?) was the son of Ginchy (a priest) and Barbara (a she-priest).

He made his great wealth when, at the age of 13, he produced the parlour game 'extreme snap'. It was an an instant hit and rocketed Ginchy Jnr to the hight of the parlour games circuit

Other games he created include:

Pony-poly,
Thuddley Tinks,
Cat Attack,
Forward-Backward,
Defend the Snakes,
Don't Use Your Shoes!
Pony-poly: An Australian Board Game,
Forward-Backward:3015

It has been noted that his attitude towards other game inventors was 'moderately obtuse'. There are also many claims of Puzzle-snatching, however there is a complete lack of evidence to any of the allegations.

In 1989 he disappeared, leaving only his Reigate Mansion which contained 3,054 dead shrews. It is feared that upon his return he will produce a game that utilises in, some part, dead animals.

Hartley Frink

2009-10-15T05:26:00.001-07:00

Wine, women and song have been the downfall of many men but Hartley Frink (1910-1979) proved particularly susceptible to all three. Elected to parliament upon his return from World War 2, the former officer cut a blistering swathe through Westminster. Fierce in his opposition to Clement Atlee's government, on several occasions the Tory MP was moved to sit upon the modest Labour leader while consuming food from his trademark hamper. Frink almost derailed the foundation of the National Health Service in this manner, but, mindful of the important vote, Atlee greased himself before leaving home on the morning in question.

Through successive administrations, Frink proved a thorn in the side for colleague and political foe alike. For much of the sixties he insisted in bringing a working mangle to Prime Minister's Questions, for reasons that were never made clear. In the seventies he became increasingly truculent and took to lolling in the corridors of the Houses of Parliament playing wth the tin toy cars of his youth.

Hartley Frink gave up his seat on the eve of the 1979 general election. He drowned in a boggy marsh on election night. Rumours that Ted Heath had been seen in the area clutching a policeman's truncheon proved unfounded. An open verdict was recorded by the coroner.

Cassidy Bristol

2009-10-03T07:37:00.000-07:00

"Those Battlin' Brazelton Boys" was the smash hit of NBC's fall 1982 line-up and Cassidy Bristol (1960-), playing Ailyn-Ann-Ann-Anne Brazelton was the breakout star in the cast. Her dewy-eyed charm and downhome style saw her poster adorning the walls of thousands of teenaged boys' bedrooms - and their fathers' dens too!

But while Ms Bristol's on-screen persona couldn't have been sweeter, her off-screen life was tumultuous. Plucked from obscurity, she soon developed a "diva" reputation, demanding ever-larger trailers and increasingly luxurious meals. Isolated from the rest of the cast, by the end of the first season she was living in a gigantic mobile stalag that dwarfed the soundstage on which Brazelton Boys was recorded. Inside, fawned over by a coterie of toadies and handmaidens, she dined on fried quail and barbecued dragonfly.

During preparations for season 2, the decision was taken that Ailyn-Ann-Ann-Anne would no longer feature in the cast. She was replaced by a robot dog named "Snuffy-91", who would eventually spin off into his own series ("LA Law").

Her reputation ruined, Cassidy Bristol struggled to find work in television and took up a position as a court stenographer in upstate New York. She is married with 12 children.

Gossamer Tom

2009-09-17T12:42:00.001-07:00

In the field of the fried breakfast, "Gossamer" Tom Dexter (1930-1991) was a legend. Obsessed with eggs and in love with the possibilities of bacon, he fed generations of Sheffield locals. His distinctive circular van was a mainstay outside Sheffield Wednesday's ground on matchdays, with many fans clutching a "Gossamer Barm" on the football special home.

Sadly Dexter, like so many other independent traders, was a victim of globalisation. In 1990, McDonalds introduced the "Egg McMuffin Sandwich" to their South Yorkshire franchises. Within six months "Gossamer" Tom Dexter was found dead of acute self-inflicted sulphur poisoning. His suicide note consisted of one word: "why?"

Dexter's passing coincided with the sudden end of a brutal string of unsolved murders in the Nether Edge area of the city.

Monty Sterling

2009-09-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

Monty Sterling (1923 - 198?) was a card hustler and fancy man. Raised in the sleepy town of Great Marton Sterling dreamed of the bigtime and so on his 16th birthday he moved to Blackpool.

In 1955 he made a now infamous high stakes bet with the Reverend Craide Vonder that he would 'never lose a card game' . For 20 years he kept true to his word.

On the 16th of October 1975, however everything changed. A young upstart named Ginchy Robinson Jnr challenged Sterling to a game of his own creation, 'Extereme snap'. The rules of the game are now lost to history, the only records kept show that it lasted for 3 days and that both players lost.

On the 19th of October 1975, true to his word, Monty Sterling handed back the small taxidermied squirrel to the Reverend Craide Vonders

Bobby Natural

2009-09-14T02:04:00.001-07:00

"Christ alive!"

Those were the words with which Bobby Natural (1946-) opened each episode of the inaugural 1960 series of "Songs Of Praise". The teen preacher, born in Bristol, UK but educated in the Baptist southern US states, brought a new form of worship to British TV, one that had pious bobbysoxers hysterical with more than just the love of Jesus!

Natural, frequently accompanied by his puppet "Mefty", was a familiar face in living rooms nationwide. Were it not for a backlash by the Women's Institute (who termed SoP "overheated Christian nonsense") and the mischievous theft of Mefty by a young Michael Aspel, the Church of England might have fared better in the liberated late sixties. As it was, Bobby Natural faded into obscurity.

A resurgence in his fortunes in recent years (thanks to a BBC4 special) has seen him back on TV as the face of the Lavender Marketing Board.

Reggie Bricksmith

2009-09-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

Reggie Bricksmith (1934 - 2004) was (as his name might suggest) a purveyor of fine bricks to Her Majesty the Queen of England. Despite his elevated social status and wealth that resulted from his royal commissions, Reggie grew tired of the constant tea parties, curtseying and giggling into a hankie that a position in the royal court demands. In an effort to distance himself from the palace, he clapped the head of one of the Queen's Corgi's between two of his daintiest bricks that he had hidden in his handbag. The enraged creature then bit his leg. Reggie then kicked the dog at a Beefeater. Needless to say, the situation escalated rapidly and resulted in Reggie's demise.

Ferrit Ferris

2009-08-20T15:03:00.001-07:00

Ferrit Ferris (1920-1969) was a gentleman of leisure. He was raised in Bristol but left to become a public speaker in London, one of the biggest capital cities in England.

His fame soon increased after impressing the aristocracy with a dance he named 'the manifestation'. Recent studies of 'the manifestation' have described it as violently obscene.

In 1967 he was named 'man of the year' for strangling Craig Staindre (the worlds worst human) He claimed the murder was for 'fantastic and personal reasons'.

In 1969 he died via battles.

Ken Winston b.1949

2009-08-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Ken Winston has already been through the boxes at the comic fair, and has just left with his hoard.

Paolo Vespucci

2009-07-18T03:46:00.000-07:00

Paolo Vespucci (1931-2001) was born in Verona, Italy, between the wars. As Europe burned around him, he singlemindedly pursued his dream of becoming a royal hairdresser. After the fall of Mussolini, he moved to Hackney and opened a humble salon, "Paul's", offering quality cuts to housewives and spinsters alike.

Following a chance encounter with Lord Scotland at a Croydon bookmakers, Vespucci became Princess Margaret's hairdresser in 1961 and cut her hair for all her public appearances. His garlanded career ended tragically when he slipped on some mousse and fell on his scissors. He was 70 years old.

Lord Gillingham-Spencer-Farmington-Wordbee

2009-07-12T04:44:00.000-07:00

Honourable Lord Gillingham-Spencer-Farmington-Wordbee (1867 - 1955) was a member of the House of Lords who dabbled with polygamy and eugenics. In 1902, he documented his attempts to cross a servant with a human, an experiment he conducted with the assistance of his three wives, Faraday Spencer, Ruth Farmington and Wordbee 2.0, a spelling robot.

Percy Percy

2009-07-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

Percy Percy (1906 - 1947) was a small time debt collector from Las Vegas, USA. He made his name by opening a series of Vinegar Boutiques, these establishment would offer holiday makers and travelling businessmen alike a "vinegar experience they would never forget".

This statement was later found to be true, every single patron of the Vinegar Boutique was forced to wash and drink the substance until Percy himself was fully satisfied.

Upon the patrons eventual escape he would throw bottles of vinegar at them, yelling 'Why not try some more!"

Raoul Estevez

2009-07-10T02:21:00.000-07:00

As a young man, Estevez (1717 - 1758) would rise before dawn to replace his neighbour's hens eggs with those of turtles. Casual cruelties (urinating upstream on washday) slowly evolved into more organised rituals (collecting his own weekly urine and that of his dog Caspar).
Eventually cast out from the village, Estevez spent his final years urinating further upstream.

Balthazar West

2009-07-07T13:28:00.001-07:00

The 1987 series of 'New Faces' was notorious for several reasons, but perhaps the best remembered is the appearance of Balthazar West (1949-1993). West was raised in the Lake District by strict Methodists, harbouring a lifelong desire to take to the stage. Following the death of his elderly mother in 1986, he successfully auditioned for the popular talent show. What followed made the front pages of the following day's newspapers, and saw questions asked in parliament in an era where matters of entertainment were still thought below the attention of the House.

Having secured his slot with a milquetoast puppet act, on the live broadcast West took to the stage without his puppets and invited members of the audience to "hurt me badly", claiming that he could "take the pain". To the horror of judges Barry Took, Marti Caine and Tony Hatch, the stoic West was set about with handbags, fists, feet and stage furniture, all the while refusing to fall to the ground. The ten-minute onslaught was ended by the entertainer Roger de Courcey, who entered showbusiness folklore by begging on-air for "a little human decency".

Fired by the public interest, Balthazar West subsequently took his pain-based act on a nationwide tour, but ultimately failed to break into the mainstream. He spent his last years in poverty, and finally died of his many wounds following a particularly brutal engagement in Richmond-upon-Thames.

Bob Braden

2009-07-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Bob Braden (1804-1904) was a proficient hole digger. In the early 1820's he dug a series of holes from which he would leap out of, surprising passes by and clinging to them until they fell to the ground.

After a successful attack he would run exactly 14 miles and begin again.

He lived exactly one hundred years

Dirk Clover

2009-06-27T09:12:00.001-07:00

Dirk Clover (1954-2007) was a renowned Thespian. You will no doubt recognise him from his various televisual features. He was the inventor of the 'Chowder' style of acting, a technique he developed in the early 80's whereby the actor pretends he has no idea where he is or what is going on. While Chowder was a big hit with acting students, directors despised it. In 1991 'Yoghurt School' director Telly Franklin stated "Clover has no idea what he's doing. He's a fool, I don't think he's an actor at all".

Distraught by Franklin's claims, Clover left acting and opened a small cafe in North West Hollywood. He accidentally poisoned over 5 people, to death.

Anton Cavourrine

2009-06-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

Anton Cavourrine (1863 - 1958) was elected mayor of Beaumaris, North Wales following a hugely unlikely set of circumstances. Born in Saint-Germain-De-Montbron to a railway worker and a part time fortune teller, he made a name for himself in his teenage years drawing caricatures of dignitaries in surrounding towns and villages. His drawings gained him a level of celebrity in France that allowed him free entry to nightclubs and theatres the length of the country. His fame reached as far as the small town of Beaumaris in North Wales. The townsfolk, smitten by his artwork, decided to offer Cavourrine the position of Mayor in a letter sent in 1911. Cavourrine, whose English was poor at best, assumed that it was a marriage proposal from a woman named 'Beautiful Marie'.

His arrival in North Wales and subsequent installation as Mayor was marred not only by his refusal to learn Welsh, or his refusal to draw any further caricatures but also his violent moodswings after he learned that Beaumaris was not a beautiful woman, but actually meant 'Beautiful Husbands'. Each subsequent day of his time in office was spent shooting at seagulls and tourists from the mayoral office window with a Winchester rifle.

Ian Jackweth

2009-06-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

Ian Jackweth (1971-2008) was a familiar sight to shoppers young and old in Keighley, West Yorkshire. Usually accompanied by his father Bob on Jew's harp, Ian's high, clear alto voice could be heard up and down Cavendish Street on weekday mornings.

Though clearly a gifted singer, Jackweth confined himself to just one song, a self-composed 18-minute opus entitled "Finger Of Mine". This song would be performed over and over again until its author was satisfied with his performance.

Ian gained some notoriety when he entered "A Song For Europe" in 1993. He finished last in the public vote eventually won by "Love City Groove". It proved to be his only foray into competitive singing.

Jackweth died aged just 36 when his heart exploded during an attempt to rip a 100-year old oak tree out of the ground. He is survived by his father.

Pendle Caisson

2009-06-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

Pendle Caisson (1967 - Present) was a chef and porter at 'Chez Yum-Yums', a hotel and restaurant that catered for a particularly undiscerning cross-section of society. His hygiene was questionable, his manners terrible and his facial hair was never kept trim and tidy. He was stripped of his October 2004 'Employee of the Month' certificate after putting someone's dog in a big bag and charging children £1 to put their hand in and pretend they were in Flash Gordon.

Margaret 'Aunt Marge' Budd

2009-05-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

Margaret Budd (1901 - 1962), aka 'Aunt Marge' was a famous as the first combined children's television presenter and TV chef. She would entertain the children of the 50's with her captivating story-telling technique which included creating a culinary delight as the story progressed. Aunt Marge was loved by millions of parents and children across the United States and was awarded many accolades, even being nominated for the first ever Grammy's in 1958.
It was only on her Death in '62 that the real horror of Budd's special sauce was revealed when body parts of her late husband were found in the walk in freezer of Budd's garage. Aunt Marge had been feeding her dead husband to America's children for over a decade.

Geraint Ffunt

2009-05-19T03:32:00.000-07:00

Geraint Ffunt (1946 - ?) hit the headlines in 1978 as the mastermind behind the biggest coracle ringing scandal Wales had ever seen. By taking two previously written-off coracles Ffunt would then create a new, but potentially lethal, coracle and sell it as new. This ended in tragedy in 1978 when one of Ffunt's dodgy coracles was responsible for the death of Rhodri Llang (beloved anchorman for "Criccieth Tonight" and HTV's "Mr Fondue"). Ffunt served a 12 year prison sentence and now lives as a virtual recluse in Aberdyfi.

Barrington Chendy

2009-05-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

Barrington Chendy (1904 -1979) was probably best known in Britain as the author of the Inspector Cumulus novels but his story starts much earlier than that. After being expelled from Eton in 1917 Chendy used the benefits of being independently wealthy to "swan around" Europe for the next 30 years successfully managing to never take part in the second World War (apart from a table tennis tournament at Hitler's weekend retreat where he formed part of a doubles team with Oswald Mosley).

Returning to Britain in the post war years he penned an incredible 475 pulp crimes novels. "A Bouquet of Death" was made into a film in 1956 starring Michael Redgrave and Bernard Breslaw in a rare straight role as psychotic drag queen, Big Jill. Chendy later scandalised Britain in 1968 as being the first person to use the word "twonk" on live television. He spent the last years of his life scripting low budget British sex comedies such as "No Sex Please We're Aquatic" and "Bella Bounce - the Naughty Auditor".

He died in 1979 of "complications arising from advanced apathy". His memoir "I Really Can't Be Bothered" was unfinished at the time of his death.

Dr Ludo C Briskett

2009-05-17T05:06:00.000-07:00

Dr Ludo C Briskett (1893-?) was a French scientist and inventor. In the late 1950's he developed a technique to remove his still functioning nose. He would then attach the live appendage just above his front door handle and with the help of a prosthetic nasal receptor he could literally smell the hands of potential visitors.

Often he would greet friends with the offer of washing there hands, as he could smell ingrained dirt and grime and it made him nauseous.

He lived his life quite peacefully until 1964, when after a series of financial setbacks he physically enforced four local households to adopt his 'Nose-Door' system.

In 1974 he escaped his prison cell leaving the only evidence of his continued existence as his now infamous bi-monthly letter to the Daily Telegraph.

Toby Jughound

2009-05-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

Toby Jughound (1853-1943) was a well respected ornithologist and keen bird spotter. Throughout the early 20th century his published works pushed forward the development of avian sensory sciences.

Over his life he documented his all of his outstanding findings in a small notebook, he named this notebook 'The Cruor-Libri'. In 1964, 21 years after Jughounds death, the book was sold at auction to Dr. Johnson Appleby, it was then discovered that the book was bound in human flesh and inked in blood.

Gabriel Maselli

2009-05-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

Gabriel Maselli (1920-1964) a petty thief, and self confessed pet molester who spent most of his teenage years in and out of the prisons around America's North East Coast. Later in life Gabriel opened a pet sanctuary, allowing him to participate in some of the most vile pet abuse, all recorded in his personal journals which were found next to the body of Gabriel in 1964 at his home on Maine. Apparently Gabriel had committed suicide after his dog bride (Rover) left him for an especially attractive Irish Wolf Hound.

Isiah Bethesda

2009-05-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

Isiah Bethesda (1723 - 1778) was a captain in the British army during the American war of Independence with a reputation for brutality and a merciless manner. Isiah is reported in a number of diaries kept at the time as 'snuffling about on his foursomes in a manner unbecoming a gentleman of the rank of captain'. Other accounts had him '... becoming quite smart with the prisoners, on many occasions taunting them by personally consuming a side of mutton before their eyes'. His unkempt demeanour and erratic behaviour led to his men bayonetting his eyes right out before a court martial.

Barnaby Russett

2009-05-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

Barnaby Russett (1972 - 200?) Lived as he died; mysteriously. Fascinated by civil war re-enactment societies and the battles they re-enacted, he changed his name at some point in the mid '90s to 'Isiah Bethesda' in memory of a particularly coldhearted British Captain who served in the American war of independence. He disappeared at some point in the mid 2000s after trying to market novelty children's slippers that turned out to be actual hollowed out ducks.

Callum Bingley-Tingles

2009-05-14T13:39:00.001-07:00

Callum Bingley-Tingles (1986-present) was in many ways a typical teenager but for a couple of exceptions. He rarely ate vegetables, despite being a vegan. He campaigned for human rights despite regularly locking his younger sister in the airing cupboard until she cried herself sick all over the ironing and clean towels. He has recently done some growing up and now eats hotdogs.

Fuller Parker-Hulme

2009-05-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

Fuller Parker-Hulme (1962 - 2008) was for many happy years employed as a milkman, followed by a great many more years unhappily employed as the mayoress of a small town in Cheshire. After marrying his childhood sweetheart who was the mayor of the aforementioned town, it became clear that the spouse of the mayor, regardless of gender was to be known as the mayoress. In a fit of rage following repeated tabloid tauntings, he hurled his dainty mayoress chains at a laughing crowd, badly grazing a small child. He drowned in a river in Spain on holiday trying to catch a slippery, slippery fish (not a metaphor).

Phileas 'Bonus' Thomkins

2009-04-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

Phileas 'Bonus' Thomkins (1802-1897) was an army lieutenant for the Royal Army of Britain. He acquired the handle 'Bonus' when, in 1834 he yelled it immediately after killing 34 enemy troops and 6 civilians.

Pierre Goffer

2009-04-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

Pierre Goffer (1953 - 1999) was the tallest boy in his class at school. His elevated posture gave him an air of superiority that he retained into adulthood. It was while working as a blacksmith in a working farm museum that Pierre became fascinated by energy drinks. He would stay in his forge long after hours, gorging on sweet caffeinated drinks while attempting to make himself a suit of what he referred to as 'Party Armour'. This ill-fated venture was ultimately the cause of his death on new year's eve, 1999.

Sir Gregory Cylinder

2009-04-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

Sir Gregory Cylinder (1798-1889) was an inventor and collector of trinkets. In the late 1860's he made a name for himself buying and selling small pots of grass with a small cog attached. When the cog was turned, the grass moved back and forth. Sir Cylinder named this movement 'aggressive pro-nouncement' stating that 'the process of aggressive pro-nouncement exposes the users greater qualities, thrusting them into wealth and happiness'. It was later found that every time the cog was turned a badger died.

Paul Roster

2009-04-11T10:15:00.001-07:00

Paul Roster (1985 - Present) lived near a duck pond in the early 1990s. It was his habit on a Sunday to visit this duck pond and throw bread to the ducks. He once kicked a crow that ate some bread intended for a duck so hard that its beak fell off. He still keeps this beak in his pocket, and kisses it for good luck.

Radford Fruehauf

2009-04-07T14:59:00.000-07:00

Radford Fruehauf (1901-1961) was born in a small museum dedicated to the further understanding of the Hindu deity Vishvakarman. At the tender age of 34 Radford burnt down a well respected Fruit and Veg stand claiming 'the fruit was getting to cold'

Lawrence Paramount

2009-04-06T11:32:00.001-07:00

Lawrence Paramount (1934 - 1984) was a key player on the international cruise ship circuit. Despite his buttoned-down appearance, Lawrence would often snare and dismember sea-birds on the deck of an upper-class cruise liner for the delighted glee of other the passengers. He died in 1984 following a run-in with a large gang of bikers named 'The Apoplectic Albatrosses'.

Harriet Spite

2009-03-24T01:39:00.000-07:00

Harriet Spite (1967-Present) worked as an assistant at a pharmacy in her early twenties. Dazzled by her good looks and naive and trusting nature, people would take whatever advice she gave. Harriet Spite was not however trained as a pharmacist, and her advice was often fatal.

Blocky Jefferson

2009-03-24T01:29:00.001-07:00

Blocky Jefferson (1928 - 1954) was a nightclub singer from 1946 until his death in 1954. He grew eccentric in his later years, body-building during the day and singing at night. He only ever worked on developing his leg muscles, which became extremely well-toned, but always hid them whilst performing. He once threw bird seed into a pram in Trafalgar square to see what would happen.

Max Gullivan

2009-03-19T15:46:00.001-07:00

Max Gullivan (1809 -1945) Was a part time fireman, however he dreamed one day of becoming a sorcerer. He collected samples of liquids throughout the later years of his life. One day in the spring of either 1932 or 1936 he stole medicine from a woman who needed it to feel better. Later that year, she fell ill and was lucky to recover with both thumbs intact.

John Verr

2009-03-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

John Verr (1953 - present) is a thoroughly selfish man. He has on more than one occasion stolen and eaten unattended sandwiches whilst on a train journey. He claims to work for a charity assisting people relocate their unwanted Christmas pets, but actually pockets the money and releases the animals into an alleyway in central Southampton.

Eric Goodname

2009-03-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

Eric Goodname (1962 - 2008) became well known as an ambassador for over four charities, however he used this notoriety as a way of gaining the trust of wealthy children. Goodname then convinced these children to purchase his own brand of 'luxury toys'.

After a full investigation by the French government it was found that the 'toys' were in fact the elderly neighbours of Tentpole wrapped in tin foil.

Thursday Motown

2009-03-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

Thursday Motown (1945 -2002) was an influential figure in the baffling world of public equestrian dance tuition. In 1978 in Barcelona, he claimed before a gathered crowd that he could encourage any horse to dance the tango with any animal suggested by the audience. His career and the lives of both the horse and the unfortunate marmoset ended that day.

Adam Hatley

2009-03-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

Adam Hatley (1906-Unknown) was a newspaper editor from Kent, UK. In his early life he was known locally for his magnificent hair. People would travel from all corners of Kent to view the 'hair that if you look closely you can see sail-boats in'.

In his Mid 40's he started to lose his hair (from front to back). Becoming so concerned over this recession he looked into ways to deflect attention from his forehead. In Late October 1948 he underwent a now almost illegal teeth sharpening operation. Seven years later he kicked a homeless man.

Edward Hillington-Blossomhill

2009-03-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Edward Hillington-Blossomhill (1878 - 1956) was a member of the British aristocracy that left his life of lavish plenty behind and pursued a misguided career in gin-soaked empire building across the world.

Gabriel Finchley

2009-03-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

Gabriel Finchley (1985 - present) is a web developer and amateur archaeologist working in the Sussex area. In November 1995 while digging in snow, Gabriel uncovered a frozen-up homeless man. Rather than alerting the authorities, Gabriel re-covered the man and wrote about the experience on his blog.

Philip 'Yancy' Philips

2009-03-02T15:07:00.000-08:00

Philip 'Yancy' Philips (1930 - present) day thought he was a pretty 'cool dude'. But when in 1956 he though it would be 'cool' to steal from an old peoples home he got more than he bargained for (his arrest). Due to a clerical error he awaits his sentencing in a minimum security prison in Brighton

Gustav Timms

2009-03-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

Gustav Timms (DOB unknown) underwent extensive surgery to alter his appearance after becoming obsessed with the cult tv show 'Red Dwarf'. He spends his time scratching, spitting and prowling, and had been known to eat raw animals. Do not approach or try to stroke Gustav Timms. Under no circumstances feed him as there is a very real danger that he will want to move into your home and sit on your lap and lick himself.

Teresa Jottle

2009-03-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

Teresa Jottle (1976 - present) was the lead guitarist from 1989 until 1997 in the popular band 'The Dandy Candles'. Their songs were considered to be the catalyst for the housing-market crash of the early '90s with tracks like 'Negative Equity' and 'Burn it for Insurance'. She now works in an abattoir and is writing and performing a new setlist under the pseudonym 'Cakey Barkers'.

Andrei Mendholm

2009-02-28T04:28:00.001-08:00

Andrei Mendholm (1938 - 1976) would perpetuate 'mountain beast' myths all over the globe by dressing as a yeti or bigfoot and scaring mountaineers. He died in a sasquatch outfit in an avalanche on a mountain in Tibet.

Gary & Robin Rothko

2009-02-28T04:24:00.000-08:00

Gary Rothko (1982 - Present) and his father, Robin Rothko (1955 - present) are a father and son scam team. Working primarily in the Greater Manchester area, they would use their trustworthy faces to gain the trust of their mark before enacting their elaborate and heartless schemes.

Tim Kencrom

2009-02-28T04:20:00.000-08:00

Tim Kencrom (1967 - 2003) was responsible for orchestrating the rise in hospital mutinies in the mid to late '80s in which doctors and nurses were urged to take command of the hospital in the same way in which one may commandeer a vehicle.

Trent McMosley

2009-02-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

Trent McMosley (1971 - Present day) studied at both Cambridge and Oxford universities. However this did not aid in calming his hatred of Sheep Dogs, in late June 2001 he used all his powers to vanquish the sheepdogs population of the North East of England, UK.

He now resides in Southernmost Southern Europe where he owns a small olive farm.

click here for updated graphic

The Footie Club

2009-02-15T06:41:00.001-08:00

The Footie club (1982-5) was a grotesque gang of three, Toby Stanfield, Bertie Flecktube and Flaubert Trick. They wandered around outside Saturday football matches, launching items they had collected during the week into the grounds, using a crudely built trebuchet. Anything from Cola bottles, hedgehogs, small vehicles were cast over the walls of stadiums and small grounds around the UK.

Toby Stanfield

Toby Stanfield (1960 - 1999) The ring-leader andfounding member of the footie club was known for his hatred of any team to allow players to grow their hair long.

Bertie Flecktube

Bertie Flecktube (1964 - Present Day) was the youngster of the group and the only suviving member, he now runs a small butchers in stockport

Flaubert Trick

Flaubert Trick (1930-1985) had a twisted mind, believing passionatly that football should only be played by men over the age of 50. His actions on the 5th of september 1985 lead to not only his own death but also to the arrest of the remaining members.

Percy Cutworm

2009-02-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

Percy Cutworm (1976 - Present day) is the current the holder of the world record for most aggressive telephone manner. He also has a dog, which he had kicked 3 times.

Schubert Crush

2009-02-13T13:36:00.000-08:00

Schubert Crush (1930-1961) was a terrible man, he killed seven people, all named Steve Burns. He was finally caught in 1960 by a bus driver called Captain Thomas S Ravage.

Hank Stool

2009-02-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Hank Stool (1902-1959) was also known as 'the dreaded butcher of Buxton'. After quitting his job as a butcher he became a crime overlord, organising the now legendary 'Attack on the wealthy'. He was finally caught and executed in 1959 after accidentally handcuffing himself via a series of mysterious accidents. Now widely regarded as the most fearsome gangster ever witnessed in Buxton the families of the once wealthy victims regularly burn down his statue (located in Kent) replacing it with sawdust.

Glen Closer

2009-02-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

Glen Closer (1955 - Present) turned bad after a series of relentless prank calls from teenagers who found the similarities between his name and that of a famous actress completely hilarious. Glen has since changed his first name to Gland and now works in the adult entertainment industry.

Warren Young

2009-02-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

Warren Young (1955 - 2006) owned a small climbing equipment shop in North Wales in the late 1980's. The business folded due to Warren's unusually aggressive sales manner.

Philip Frederickson

2009-02-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

Philip Frederickson (1960-1998) was a on the whole disliked man from Stoke, England. He once, now famously, tied a Labrador to a motorbike for 59 hours, claiming that nobody would want to steal both. His complete published works ilaborate on this theory culminating with his last book (published 1990-92) was titled 'the mutual exclusiveity of the coverting of motorvehicles and labrodors'.

Dirk Timpersontonly

2009-02-07T12:53:00.000-08:00

Dirk Timpersontonly (1930-1961) was a private detective who hid in his later life hid babies from there mothers. Thankfully he was shot dead in 1961 after hiding the child of a woman who owned a gun.

Harry P Willmonger

2009-02-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

Harry P Willmonger (1809-1909) was a collector of trinkets and dazzling shinies. On the day of the 14th of October 1865 he purposefully destroyed an old 'wiseman's collection of miniature looms. Some have attributed the argument that followed to the begining of the great war (1914 to 1918)

John Allingson

2009-02-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

John Allingson (1982 - Present) contributed to the demise of the Woolworths chain of stores by frequently shoplifting penny sweets and small fancies as a child. As an adult, he pilfered DVD players and Nintendo DS games as well as the sweets.

Andre Kingston

2009-02-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

It was in 1982 that Andre Kingston (1948 - Present Day) was first banned from Leicester. It was in a Leicester-based pizza restaurant that Andre tripped up a waitress. Needless to say, the situation escalated beyond reasonable expectations. This is the origin of the popular phrase 'By Andre's Teeth!' to express surprise or disgust.

Cedrik Butterchimp

2009-02-02T14:38:00.001-08:00

Cedrik Butterchimp (1900-1962) was a small-time gangster from Milton Keynes, he made his name, and also his death, with his now infamous attack on London's Royal Albert Hall.

Oliver Lashes

2009-01-31T07:38:00.001-08:00

Oliver Lashes (1967-2003) is credited with the creation of the Fender Stratocasterused by popular rock group Kiss that shot hypodermic needles loaded with 'Party Ribbons' at the crowd.

Thomas Ridley

2009-01-31T00:39:00.001-08:00

Thomas Ridley (1979 - Present) takes his work seriously. He worked as a scientist, dabbling with the Large Hadron Collider. Rather than colliding very tinymicroscopic particles, Thomas' research involved colliding somewhat larger things into somewhat smaller things. He was sacked after colliding a Vauxhall Vectra into a Guinea Pig in the car park.

Curvey Nicolaus

2009-01-30T10:55:00.001-08:00

Curvey Nicolaus (1898-1943) is the discoverer of the quiz show. In March 1922 he was living in a converted tree house in central park when he was nearly crushed by a piece of space rock containing a Reel to reel box set. After watching them all he realized this new format was a) pure evil and b) a money spinner.

Terry Godley

2009-01-30T10:34:00.001-08:00

Terry Godley (1972) captured and then later destroyed three books in the late nineties. These books held the ingredients to a secret eye drop formula which, when used properly, enabled superior eye site. He now claims mythical like status in the gaming circles he loves so much.

Terry Hatcher

2009-01-29T12:03:00.000-08:00

Terry John Hatcher (1965-1992) was known only to love two things, the popular sport of soccer and his pet dog Terrence. In 1985 he unsuccessfully attempted to enslave the isle of Wight.

Jeffrey Gastley

2009-01-29T11:13:00.000-08:00

Jeffrey Gastley (1974-2002) Jeffrey was well known in his local area for the culling of over 70% of the local red squirrel population. After being briefly detained by the authorities, Gastley went on record as suggesting his reasons were somehow connected to the fear of socialism.

Tony Billingham

2009-01-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

Tony Billingham (1890-1954) was responsible for the invention of the hate machine used throughout the 1930s. Sadly Billingham had originally wanted to create a method of grilling food more effectively, much like modern day George Forman meat grills.