But for his one, heinous crime, Portus Gwent (1940-) might be considered an insignificant footnote to human history. An adequate father to Pam and Jimmy, a casual but occasionally inspired lover to wife Elaine, Gwent was a jobbing builder in the Wootton Bassett area.
For all his cheerful mediocrity, Portus Gwent ultimately did more damage to polite society than any "reality TV show" or "stand-up comedienne" ever could. As an apprentice in 1957, reaching for a piece of dowelling just beyond his grasp, he exceeded the safe "angle of lean" and exposed the upper cleft of his buttocks to housewife Minnie Tinsley. He had invented the clativecius IV or, as it is sometimes known, "builder's bum"
From the earliest days of the guilds, the gluteus maximus of a tradesman had been held under wraps by a mixture of fear and good practice. But following Gwent's initial unveiling of this sacred zone, the floodgates opened. By 1964, few maiden aunts were ignorant of the form and pallor of the inter-buttock crevice. Britain had lost its innocence, the Beatles were on the charts, and nothing would ever be the same again.
Leaving school at 15, Iain Webster (1988-) quickly found employ as a Betterware man, selling mops, buckets, creams and unguents door to door. He beat targets month on month for his first year and was soon promoted to line manager for the Greater Birmingham area. Aged 17, he bought a Mercedes car with cash. At 20 he was living with his catalogue model girlfriend Paula in a city centre flat overlooking Birmingham's Bullring Centre. Then tragedy struck. Webster stacked his Merc into a pack of cub scouts out for bob-a-job week. If his crime had been one of carelessness, that would have been bad enough, but Iain actually flipped the out-of-control vehicle on purpose in order to "take out" a stray cub.
He currently resides at Her Majesty's pleasure.
Denny Tempest (1974 - Present) worked for a time at the Lord Darlingville Museum of Arctic Curiosities in Taunton, UK. His role was primarily as till clerk in the gift shop, selling 'Icy Explorer' lollies and penguin pencil sharpeners to groups of recently educated school children.
The museum's archives also housed the Fabrizio Endemic collection, the accumulated notes, equipment and letters of the famous explorer himself. Fascinated by the man, Denny Tempest would dress up in Endemic's old exploration gear and stride purposefully about the museum after closing, proclaiming himself to be 'Lord of the Arctic'. Endemic's goose-down tunic was unfortunately covered in the spores of the rare Arctic disease; Lumptatoes. Tempest unwittingly unleashed a plague upon the European population after a French school exchange group visited the museum. He still works at the Museum of Arctic Curiosities, but no longer has contact with the public.
T. Presper Mauchly (1943-1989) achieved notoriety for creating and producing the quiz show 'GET IT RIGHT' where members of the public were threatened with physical pain if they answered questions incorrectly.
During the shows three year run Mauchly would often provoke the contestants, by claiming that he knew the answers. He would repeat these claims over and over again, many of the contestants would choose physical pain over his unrelenting psychological barrage.
When interviewed about 'GET IT RIGHT' Mauchly would reply with only two words 'brown trapples'. Historian Dr Teddy Hamper believed this may have been a reference to Moses, whose catchphraise 'grey trapples' won the hearts of the Egyptians way back in 1638.
In November 1989 Mauchly paddled his dory boat into the pacific ocean, in a letter discovered three months later he claimed to be "searching for a dream".
Local mythology supposes that Mauchly was soon eaten by the giant octopus, Graham Johnson
Googie Müller (real name Lesley Müller) was a leading light in the "Polyester Folk" movement of the mid-1970s. His lunchtime TV show ("Play Today the Googie Way" - Tyne Tees Television 1974-76) was watched by audiences of up to 134 people on a daily basis. His love of man-made fabrics was ultimately his downfall when during a frenetic strumming section in "Froggie Went A-Courtin'" his signature polyester knitwear combusted. Within one verse he'd managed to destroy his rollneck sweater, beard, two thirds of the set and the rest of his career.
Gary Sebastopol Flinch was born twice, due to an administrational error, in Cleveleys in 1959. He first rose to prominence in the summer of '79 as a finalist in the short lived TV talent show "Show Us Exactly Why You Think You're Better Than Everyone Else" with his cat hypnosis act. Flinchmania grabbed the nation briefly between June and early August 1979 but came to an abrupt end when Flinch made some extremely disparaging remarks about TV host Choochie Playton's appearance on her live chat show "It's Choochie! Talk Me!".
Flinch went into hiding for 12 years only to reappear at the back end of the Baggy scene when he guested onstage with the New Fast Automatic Daffodils at the Cleveley's Mad For It Weekender. During their penultimate number (Missing Parts of Famous People) Flinch attempted to hypnotise 14 cats simultaneously. It was obvious to everyone in attendance that the old "Flinch magic" had definitely gone for good.
John A
