Googie Müller

Googie Müller (real name Lesley Müller) was a leading light in the "Polyester Folk" movement of the mid-1970s. His lunchtime TV show ("Play Today the Googie Way" - Tyne Tees Television 1974-76) was watched by audiences of up to 134 people on a daily basis. His love of man-made fabrics was ultimately his downfall when during a frenetic strumming section in "Froggie Went A-Courtin'" his signature polyester knitwear combusted. Within one verse he'd managed to destroy his rollneck sweater, beard, two thirds of the set and the rest of his career.

King Jenks

King Jenks (1983 - present) was shift supervisor at 'Cloud City', a Star Wars themed milkshake bar in Llandudno in the long hot summer of 2004. Cloud City in that period endured a particularly vindictive rivalry with the local 'Corn-Cob Cantina', a well-known corn-based fast food joint popular at the time. During breaks, King Jenks (real name unknown) had taken to relieving himself against the stacked sacks of pre-roasted corn cobs that were stored in the rear yard of the Cantina before they were re-heated and served. Jenks, something of a swaggering braggart, was indiscreet with the story of his repeated angry fouling and was sacked by Cloud City. His angry howls can on dark nights be heard travelling from atop the Great Orm, where he now works in the gift shop. He is in danger of losing that job as well, most likely due to the incessant howling.

Hans del Barr

The infamous, peculiar meat enthusiast known by most as Hans del Barr (real name Hitlerberg Schmitt-Mimzy), like the vast majority of Victorian butchers, was discovered to have used contaminated or diseased flesh products in his gastronomic contrivances. That del Barr's vile practice was continuing up until (and only halted) on Wednesday last week makes the case somewhat more appalling if perhaps less likely. During a raid of his premises Hans del Barr, preferring not to be caught by the Police, suffocated himself under what at first glance appeared to be a suspiciously large and unappetizing-looking flap of green pastry. Testing confirmed it was actually the ulcerated stomach of del Barr's wife. Her hideously swollen and disfigured carcass was later found hanging in a meat locker, a length of her own intestines twined about her fat neck like a string of shit-filled French sausages. In a statement yesterday, a Police spokesperson told a nauseous glut of journalists massed at a City press conference that del Barr had effectively been "strip mining" the corpse. His butcher shop was immediately closed. Still, I'd probably rather go there than Subway.

Gary Flinch

Gary Sebastopol Flinch was born twice, due to an administrational error, in Cleveleys in 1959. He first rose to prominence in the summer of '79 as a finalist in the short lived TV talent show "Show Us Exactly Why You Think You're Better Than Everyone Else" with his cat hypnosis act. Flinchmania grabbed the nation briefly between June and early August 1979 but came to an abrupt end when Flinch made some extremely disparaging remarks about TV host Choochie Playton's appearance on her live chat show "It's Choochie! Talk Me!".

Flinch went into hiding for 12 years only to reappear at the back end of the Baggy scene when he guested onstage with the New Fast Automatic Daffodils at the Cleveley's Mad For It Weekender. During their penultimate number (Missing Parts of Famous People) Flinch attempted to hypnotise 14 cats simultaneously. It was obvious to everyone in attendance that the old "Flinch magic" had definitely gone for good.

Ginchy Robinson Jnr

Ginchy Robinson Jnr (1958-1989?) was the son of Ginchy (a priest) and Barbara (a she-priest).

He made his great wealth when, at the age of 13, he produced the parlour game 'extreme snap'. It was an an instant hit and rocketed Ginchy Jnr to the hight of the parlour games circuit

Other games he created include:

Pony-poly,
Thuddley Tinks,
Cat Attack,
Forward-Backward,
Defend the Snakes,
Don't Use Your Shoes!
Pony-poly: An Australian Board Game,
Forward-Backward:3015

It has been noted that his attitude towards other game inventors was 'moderately obtuse'. There are also many claims of Puzzle-snatching, however there is a complete lack of evidence to any of the allegations.

In 1989 he disappeared, leaving only his Reigate Mansion which contained 3,054 dead shrews. It is feared that upon his return he will produce a game that utilises in, some part, dead animals.

Dita Meerschaum Fipps Conglomerong

The unwieldily-monikered Dita Meerschaum Fipps Conglomerong lead a life of two halves with extra time and penalties. A roving biologist during her adolescence, she discovered many of the world's most beloved creatures in a basin next to her toilet. These included the obese anteater (or Laardvark), the Screwnicorn (a horsey with a cumbersome and unsightly genitalia-related proboscis on its forehead) and the dreaded Fipps Conglomerong cloud monster. In her mid twenties she was involved with the Fauvist Uprising (when Fauvists somewhat unnecessarily took over the world for two weeks) and began to experiment with colour, representation, metaphor and abstraction. It was Dita who invented the unpopular all purple animated motion picture events known as Mauvies. After the reinstatement of relative normalcy following the Uprising, Dita and her fellows were marked for execution. Retreating to an isolated spot in the Gromboldian wetlands, Dita started a marine and amphibious animal sanctuary. When a Dadaist assassination squad appeared disguised as odd bits of type and juxtaposed ready-made objects, Dita knew the end was near and her only thought was to protect her beloved animals. Wading out to a tiny island in the centre of the sanctuary, the Dadaists began stabbing Dita's sopping wet beaver. An evangelical apostle of metaphor and a champion of Fauvism to the end, Dita became suddenly very blue and died as her heart sank.

Hartley Frink

Wine, women and song have been the downfall of many men but Hartley Frink (1910-1979) proved particularly susceptible to all three. Elected to parliament upon his return from World War 2, the former officer cut a blistering swathe through Westminster. Fierce in his opposition to Clement Atlee's government, on several occasions the Tory MP was moved to sit upon the modest Labour leader while consuming food from his trademark hamper. Frink almost derailed the foundation of the National Health Service in this manner, but, mindful of the important vote, Atlee greased himself before leaving home on the morning in question.

Through successive administrations, Frink proved a thorn in the side for colleague and political foe alike. For much of the sixties he insisted in bringing a working mangle to Prime Minister's Questions, for reasons that were never made clear. In the seventies he became increasingly truculent and took to lolling in the corridors of the Houses of Parliament playing wth the tin toy cars of his youth.

Hartley Frink gave up his seat on the eve of the 1979 general election. He drowned in a boggy marsh on election night. Rumours that Ted Heath had been seen in the area clutching a policeman's truncheon proved unfounded. An open verdict was recorded by the coroner.