i dream of a world without you

T. Presper Mauchly (1943-1989) achieved notoriety for creating and producing the quiz show 'GET IT RIGHT' where members of the public were threatened with physical pain if they answered questions incorrectly.

During the shows three year run Mauchly would often provoke the contestants, by claiming that he knew the answers. He would repeat these claims over and over again, many of the contestants would choose physical pain over his unrelenting psychological barrage.

When interviewed about 'GET IT RIGHT' Mauchly would reply with only two words 'brown trapples'. Historian Dr Teddy Hamper believed this may have been a reference to Moses, whose catchphraise 'grey trapples' won the hearts of the Egyptians way back in 1638.

In November 1989 Mauchly paddled his dory boat into the pacific ocean, in a letter discovered three months later he claimed to be "searching for a dream".

Local mythology supposes that Mauchly was soon eaten by the giant octopus, Graham Johnson

Googie Müller (real name Lesley Müller) was a leading light in the "Polyester Folk" movement of the mid-1970s. His lunchtime TV show ("Play Today the Googie Way" - Tyne Tees Television 1974-76) was watched by audiences of up to 134 people on a daily basis. His love of man-made fabrics was ultimately his downfall when during a frenetic strumming section in "Froggie Went A-Courtin'" his signature polyester knitwear combusted. Within one verse he'd managed to destroy his rollneck sweater, beard, two thirds of the set and the rest of his career.

Gary Sebastopol Flinch was born twice, due to an administrational error, in Cleveleys in 1959. He first rose to prominence in the summer of '79 as a finalist in the short lived TV talent show "Show Us Exactly Why You Think You're Better Than Everyone Else" with his cat hypnosis act. Flinchmania grabbed the nation briefly between June and early August 1979 but came to an abrupt end when Flinch made some extremely disparaging remarks about TV host Choochie Playton's appearance on her live chat show "It's Choochie! Talk Me!".

Flinch went into hiding for 12 years only to reappear at the back end of the Baggy scene when he guested onstage with the New Fast Automatic Daffodils at the Cleveley's Mad For It Weekender. During their penultimate number (Missing Parts of Famous People) Flinch attempted to hypnotise 14 cats simultaneously. It was obvious to everyone in attendance that the old "Flinch magic" had definitely gone for good.

Ginchy Robinson Jnr (1958-1989?) was the son of Ginchy (a priest) and Barbara (a she-priest).

He made his great wealth when, at the age of 13, he produced the parlour game 'extreme snap'. It was an an instant hit and rocketed Ginchy Jnr to the hight of the parlour games circuit

Other games he created include:

Pony-poly,
Thuddley Tinks,
Cat Attack,
Forward-Backward,
Defend the Snakes,
Don't Use Your Shoes!
Pony-poly: An Australian Board Game,
Forward-Backward:3015

It has been noted that his attitude towards other game inventors was 'moderately obtuse'. There are also many claims of Puzzle-snatching, however there is a complete lack of evidence to any of the allegations.

In 1989 he disappeared, leaving only his Reigate Mansion which contained 3,054 dead shrews. It is feared that upon his return he will produce a game that utilises in, some part, dead animals.

Wine, women and song have been the downfall of many men but Hartley Frink (1910-1979) proved particularly susceptible to all three. Elected to parliament upon his return from World War 2, the former officer cut a blistering swathe through Westminster. Fierce in his opposition to Clement Atlee's government, on several occasions the Tory MP was moved to sit upon the modest Labour leader while consuming food from his trademark hamper. Frink almost derailed the foundation of the National Health Service in this manner, but, mindful of the important vote, Atlee greased himself before leaving home on the morning in question.

Through successive administrations, Frink proved a thorn in the side for colleague and political foe alike. For much of the sixties he insisted in bringing a working mangle to Prime Minister's Questions, for reasons that were never made clear. In the seventies he became increasingly truculent and took to lolling in the corridors of the Houses of Parliament playing wth the tin toy cars of his youth.

Hartley Frink gave up his seat on the eve of the 1979 general election. He drowned in a boggy marsh on election night. Rumours that Ted Heath had been seen in the area clutching a policeman's truncheon proved unfounded. An open verdict was recorded by the coroner.

"Those Battlin' Brazelton Boys" was the smash hit of NBC's fall 1982 line-up and Cassidy Bristol (1960-), playing Ailyn-Ann-Ann-Anne Brazelton was the breakout star in the cast. Her dewy-eyed charm and downhome style saw her poster adorning the walls of thousands of teenaged boys' bedrooms - and their fathers' dens too!

But while Ms Bristol's on-screen persona couldn't have been sweeter, her off-screen life was tumultuous. Plucked from obscurity, she soon developed a "diva" reputation, demanding ever-larger trailers and increasingly luxurious meals. Isolated from the rest of the cast, by the end of the first season she was living in a gigantic mobile stalag that dwarfed the soundstage on which Brazelton Boys was recorded. Inside, fawned over by a coterie of toadies and handmaidens, she dined on fried quail and barbecued dragonfly.

During preparations for season 2, the decision was taken that Ailyn-Ann-Ann-Anne would no longer feature in the cast. She was replaced by a robot dog named "Snuffy-91", who would eventually spin off into his own series ("LA Law").

Her reputation ruined, Cassidy Bristol struggled to find work in television and took up a position as a court stenographer in upstate New York. She is married with 12 children.

In the field of the fried breakfast, "Gossamer" Tom Dexter (1930-1991) was a legend. Obsessed with eggs and in love with the possibilities of bacon, he fed generations of Sheffield locals. His distinctive circular van was a mainstay outside Sheffield Wednesday's ground on matchdays, with many fans clutching a "Gossamer Barm" on the football special home.

Sadly Dexter, like so many other independent traders, was a victim of globalisation. In 1990, McDonalds introduced the "Egg McMuffin Sandwich" to their South Yorkshire franchises. Within six months "Gossamer" Tom Dexter was found dead of acute self-inflicted sulphur poisoning. His suicide note consisted of one word: "why?"

Dexter's passing coincided with the sudden end of a brutal string of unsolved murders in the Nether Edge area of the city.

Monty Sterling (1923 - 198?) was a card hustler and fancy man. Raised in the sleepy town of Great Marton Sterling dreamed of the bigtime and so on his 16th birthday he moved to Blackpool.

In 1955 he made a now infamous high stakes bet with the Reverend Craide Vonder that he would 'never lose a card game' . For 20 years he kept true to his word.

On the 16th of October 1975, however everything changed. A young upstart named Ginchy Robinson Jnr challenged Sterling to a game of his own creation, 'Extereme snap'. The rules of the game are now lost to history, the only records kept show that it lasted for 3 days and that both players lost.

On the 19th of October 1975, true to his word, Monty Sterling handed back the small taxidermied squirrel to the Reverend Craide Vonders

"Christ alive!"

Those were the words with which Bobby Natural (1946-) opened each episode of the inaugural 1960 series of "Songs Of Praise". The teen preacher, born in Bristol, UK but educated in the Baptist southern US states, brought a new form of worship to British TV, one that had pious bobbysoxers hysterical with more than just the love of Jesus!

Natural, frequently accompanied by his puppet "Mefty", was a familiar face in living rooms nationwide. Were it not for a backlash by the Women's Institute (who termed SoP "overheated Christian nonsense") and the mischievous theft of Mefty by a young Michael Aspel, the Church of England might have fared better in the liberated late sixties. As it was, Bobby Natural faded into obscurity.

A resurgence in his fortunes in recent years (thanks to a BBC4 special) has seen him back on TV as the face of the Lavender Marketing Board.

Ferrit Ferris (1920-1969) was a gentleman of leisure. He was raised in Bristol but left to become a public speaker in London, one of the biggest capital cities in England.

His fame soon increased after impressing the aristocracy with a dance he named 'the manifestation'. Recent studies of 'the manifestation' have described it as violently obscene.

In 1967 he was named 'man of the year' for strangling Craig Staindre (the worlds worst human) He claimed the murder was for 'fantastic and personal reasons'.

In 1969 he died via battles.

Ken Winston has already been through the boxes at the comic fair, and has just left with his hoard.

Paolo Vespucci (1931-2001) was born in Verona, Italy, between the wars. As Europe burned around him, he singlemindedly pursued his dream of becoming a royal hairdresser. After the fall of Mussolini, he moved to Hackney and opened a humble salon, "Paul's", offering quality cuts to housewives and spinsters alike.

Following a chance encounter with Lord Scotland at a Croydon bookmakers, Vespucci became Princess Margaret's hairdresser in 1961 and cut her hair for all her public appearances. His garlanded career ended tragically when he slipped on some mousse and fell on his scissors. He was 70 years old.

Percy Percy (1906 - 1947) was a small time debt collector from Las Vegas, USA. He made his name by opening a series of Vinegar Boutiques, these establishment would offer holiday makers and travelling businessmen alike a "vinegar experience they would never forget".

This statement was later found to be true, every single patron of the Vinegar Boutique was forced to wash and drink the substance until Percy himself was fully satisfied.

Upon the patrons eventual escape he would throw bottles of vinegar at them, yelling 'Why not try some more!"

As a young man, Estevez (1717 - 1758) would rise before dawn to replace his neighbour's hens eggs with those of turtles. Casual cruelties (urinating upstream on washday) slowly evolved into more organised rituals (collecting his own weekly urine and that of his dog Caspar).
Eventually cast out from the village, Estevez spent his final years urinating further upstream.

The 1987 series of 'New Faces' was notorious for several reasons, but perhaps the best remembered is the appearance of Balthazar West (1949-1993). West was raised in the Lake District by strict Methodists, harbouring a lifelong desire to take to the stage. Following the death of his elderly mother in 1986, he successfully auditioned for the popular talent show. What followed made the front pages of the following day's newspapers, and saw questions asked in parliament in an era where matters of entertainment were still thought below the attention of the House.

Having secured his slot with a milquetoast puppet act, on the live broadcast West took to the stage without his puppets and invited members of the audience to "hurt me badly", claiming that he could "take the pain". To the horror of judges Barry Took, Marti Caine and Tony Hatch, the stoic West was set about with handbags, fists, feet and stage furniture, all the while refusing to fall to the ground. The ten-minute onslaught was ended by the entertainer Roger de Courcey, who entered showbusiness folklore by begging on-air for "a little human decency".

Fired by the public interest, Balthazar West subsequently took his pain-based act on a nationwide tour, but ultimately failed to break into the mainstream. He spent his last years in poverty, and finally died of his many wounds following a particularly brutal engagement in Richmond-upon-Thames.

Bob Braden (1804-1904) was a proficient hole digger. In the early 1820's he dug a series of holes from which he would leap out of, surprising passes by and clinging to them until they fell to the ground.

After a successful attack he would run exactly 14 miles and begin again.

He lived exactly one hundred years

Dirk Clover (1954-2007) was a renowned Thespian. You will no doubt recognise him from his various televisual features. He was the inventor of the 'Chowder' style of acting, a technique he developed in the early 80's whereby the actor pretends he has no idea where he is or what is going on. While Chowder was a big hit with acting students, directors despised it. In 1991 'Yoghurt School' director Telly Franklin stated "Clover has no idea what he's doing. He's a fool, I don't think he's an actor at all".

Distraught by Franklin's claims, Clover left acting and opened a small cafe in North West Hollywood. He accidentally poisoned over 5 people, to death.

Anton Cavourrine (1863 - 1958) was elected mayor of Beaumaris, North Wales following a hugely unlikely set of circumstances. Born in Saint-Germain-De-Montbron to a railway worker and a part time fortune teller, he made a name for himself in his teenage years drawing caricatures of dignitaries in surrounding towns and villages. His drawings gained him a level of celebrity in France that allowed him free entry to nightclubs and theatres the length of the country. His fame reached as far as the small town of Beaumaris in North Wales. The townsfolk, smitten by his artwork, decided to offer Cavourrine the position of Mayor in a letter sent in 1911. Cavourrine, whose English was poor at best, assumed that it was a marriage proposal from a woman named 'Beautiful Marie'.

Ian Jackweth (1971-2008) was a familiar sight to shoppers young and old in Keighley, West Yorkshire. Usually accompanied by his father Bob on Jew's harp, Ian's high, clear alto voice could be heard up and down Cavendish Street on weekday mornings.

Though clearly a gifted singer, Jackweth confined himself to just one song, a self-composed 18-minute opus entitled "Finger Of Mine". This song would be performed over and over again until its author was satisfied with his performance.

Ian gained some notoriety when he entered "A Song For Europe" in 1993. He finished last in the public vote eventually won by "Love City Groove". It proved to be his only foray into competitive singing.

Jackweth died aged just 36 when his heart exploded during an attempt to rip a 100-year old oak tree out of the ground. He is survived by his father.

Pendle Caisson (1967 - Present) was a chef and porter at 'Chez Yum-Yums', a hotel and restaurant that catered for a particularly undiscerning cross-section of society. His hygiene was questionable, his manners terrible and his facial hair was never kept trim and tidy. He was stripped of his October 2004 'Employee of the Month' certificate after putting someone's dog in a big bag and charging children £1 to put their hand in and pretend they were in Flash Gordon.

Margaret Budd (1901 - 1962), aka 'Aunt Marge' was a famous as the first combined children's television presenter and TV chef. She would entertain the children of the 50's with her captivating story-telling technique which included creating a culinary delight as the story progressed. Aunt Marge was loved by millions of parents and children across the United States and was awarded many accolades, even being nominated for the first ever Grammy's in 1958.
It was only on her Death in '62 that the real horror of Budd's special sauce was revealed when body parts of her late husband were found in the walk in freezer of Budd's garage. Aunt Marge had been feeding her dead husband to America's children for over a decade.

Geraint Ffunt (1946 - ?) hit the headlines in 1978 as the mastermind behind the biggest coracle ringing scandal Wales had ever seen. By taking two previously written-off coracles Ffunt would then create a new, but potentially lethal, coracle and sell it as new. This ended in tragedy in 1978 when one of Ffunt's dodgy coracles was responsible for the death of Rhodri Llang (beloved anchorman for "Criccieth Tonight" and HTV's "Mr Fondue"). Ffunt served a 12 year prison sentence and now lives as a virtual recluse in Aberdyfi.

Barrington Chendy (1904 -1979) was probably best known in Britain as the author of the Inspector Cumulus novels but his story starts much earlier than that. After being expelled from Eton in 1917 Chendy used the benefits of being independently wealthy to "swan around" Europe for the next 30 years successfully managing to never take part in the second World War (apart from a table tennis tournament at Hitler's weekend retreat where he formed part of a doubles team with Oswald Mosley).

Returning to Britain in the post war years he penned an incredible 475 pulp crimes novels. "A Bouquet of Death" was made into a film in 1956 starring Michael Redgrave and Bernard Breslaw in a rare straight role as psychotic drag queen, Big Jill. Chendy later scandalised Britain in 1968 as being the first person to use the word "twonk" on live television. He spent the last years of his life scripting low budget British sex comedies such as "No Sex Please We're Aquatic" and "Bella Bounce - the Naughty Auditor".

He died in 1979 of "complications arising from advanced apathy". His memoir "I Really Can't Be Bothered" was unfinished at the time of his death.

Dr Ludo C Briskett (1893-?) was a French scientist and inventor. In the late 1950's he developed a technique to remove his still functioning nose. He would then attach the live appendage just above his front door handle and with the help of a prosthetic nasal receptor he could literally smell the hands of potential visitors.

Often he would greet friends with the offer of washing there hands, as he could smell ingrained dirt and grime and it made him nauseous.

He lived his life quite peacefully until 1964, when after a series of financial setbacks he physically enforced four local households to adopt his 'Nose-Door' system.

In 1974 he escaped his prison cell leaving the only evidence of his continued existence as his now infamous bi-monthly letter to the Daily Telegraph.

Toby Jughound (1853-1943) was a well respected ornithologist and keen bird spotter. Throughout the early 20th century his published works pushed forward the development of avian sensory sciences.

Over his life he documented his all of his outstanding findings in a small notebook, he named this notebook 'The Cruor-Libri'. In 1964, 21 years after Jughounds death, the book was sold at auction to Dr. Johnson Appleby, it was then discovered that the book was bound in human flesh and inked in blood.

Gabriel Maselli (1920-1964) a petty thief, and self confessed pet molester who spent most of his teenage years in and out of the prisons around America's North East Coast. Later in life Gabriel opened a pet sanctuary, allowing him to participate in some of the most vile pet abuse, all recorded in his personal journals which were found next to the body of Gabriel in 1964 at his home on Maine. Apparently Gabriel had committed suicide after his dog bride (Rover) left him for an especially attractive Irish Wolf Hound.

Isiah Bethesda (1723 - 1778) was a captain in the British army during the American war of Independence with a reputation for brutality and a merciless manner. Isiah is reported in a number of diaries kept at the time as 'snuffling about on his foursomes in a manner unbecoming a gentleman of the rank of captain'. Other accounts had him '... becoming quite smart with the prisoners, on many occasions taunting them by personally consuming a side of mutton before their eyes'. His unkempt demeanour and erratic behaviour led to his men bayonetting his eyes right out before a court martial.

Barnaby Russett (1972 - 200?) Lived as he died; mysteriously. Fascinated by civil war re-enactment societies and the battles they re-enacted, he changed his name at some point in the mid '90s to 'Isiah Bethesda' in memory of a particularly coldhearted British Captain who served in the American war of independence. He disappeared at some point in the mid 2000s after trying to market novelty children's slippers that turned out to be actual hollowed out ducks.

Callum Bingley-Tingles (1986-present) was in many ways a typical teenager but for a couple of exceptions. He rarely ate vegetables, despite being a vegan. He campaigned for human rights despite regularly locking his younger sister in the airing cupboard until she cried herself sick all over the ironing and clean towels. He has recently done some growing up and now eats hotdogs.

Fuller Parker-Hulme (1962 - 2008) was for many happy years employed as a milkman, followed by a great many more years unhappily employed as the mayoress of a small town in Cheshire. After marrying his childhood sweetheart who was the mayor of the aforementioned town, it became clear that the spouse of the mayor, regardless of gender was to be known as the mayoress. In a fit of rage following repeated tabloid tauntings, he hurled his dainty mayoress chains at a laughing crowd, badly grazing a small child. He drowned in a river in Spain on holiday trying to catch a slippery, slippery fish (not a metaphor).

Phileas 'Bonus' Thomkins (1802-1897) was an army lieutenant for the Royal Army of Britain. He acquired the handle 'Bonus' when, in 1834 he yelled it immediately after killing 34 enemy troops and 6 civilians.

Sir Gregory Cylinder (1798-1889) was an inventor and collector of trinkets. In the late 1860's he made a name for himself buying and selling small pots of grass with a small cog attached. When the cog was turned, the grass moved back and forth. Sir Cylinder named this movement 'aggressive pro-nouncement' stating that 'the process of aggressive pro-nouncement exposes the users greater qualities, thrusting them into wealth and happiness'. It was later found that every time the cog was turned a badger died.

Paul Roster (1985 - Present) lived near a duck pond in the early 1990s. It was his habit on a Sunday to visit this duck pond and throw bread to the ducks. He once kicked a crow that ate some bread intended for a duck so hard that its beak fell off. He still keeps this beak in his pocket, and kisses it for good luck.

Radford Fruehauf (1901-1961) was born in a small museum dedicated to the further understanding of the Hindu deity Vishvakarman. At the tender age of 34 Radford burnt down a well respected Fruit and Veg stand claiming 'the fruit was getting to cold'

Lawrence Paramount (1934 - 1984) was a key player on the international cruise ship circuit. Despite his buttoned-down appearance, Lawrence would often snare and dismember sea-birds on the deck of an upper-class cruise liner for the delighted glee of other the passengers. He died in 1984 following a run-in with a large gang of bikers named 'The Apoplectic Albatrosses'.

Harriet Spite (1967-Present) worked as an assistant at a pharmacy in her early twenties. Dazzled by her good looks and naive and trusting nature, people would take whatever advice she gave. Harriet Spite was not however trained as a pharmacist, and her advice was often fatal.

Blocky Jefferson (1928 - 1954) was a nightclub singer from 1946 until his death in 1954. He grew eccentric in his later years, body-building during the day and singing at night. He only ever worked on developing his leg muscles, which became extremely well-toned, but always hid them whilst performing. He once threw bird seed into a pram in Trafalgar square to see what would happen.

Max Gullivan (1809 -1945) Was a part time fireman, however he dreamed one day of becoming a sorcerer. He collected samples of liquids throughout the later years of his life. One day in the spring of either 1932 or 1936 he stole medicine from a woman who needed it to feel better. Later that year, she fell ill and was lucky to recover with both thumbs intact.

John Verr (1953 - present) is a thoroughly selfish man. He has on more than one occasion stolen and eaten unattended sandwiches whilst on a train journey. He claims to work for a charity assisting people relocate their unwanted Christmas pets, but actually pockets the money and releases the animals into an alleyway in central Southampton.

Eric Goodname (1962 - 2008) became well known as an ambassador for over four charities, however he used this notoriety as a way of gaining the trust of wealthy children. Goodname then convinced these children to purchase his own brand of 'luxury toys'.

After a full investigation by the French government it was found that the 'toys' were in fact the elderly neighbours of Tentpole wrapped in tin foil.

Adam Hatley (1906-Unknown) was a newspaper editor from Kent, UK. In his early life he was known locally for his magnificent hair. People would travel from all corners of Kent to view the 'hair that if you look closely you can see sail-boats in'.

In his Mid 40's he started to lose his hair (from front to back). Becoming so concerned over this recession he looked into ways to deflect attention from his forehead. In Late October 1948 he underwent a now almost illegal teeth sharpening operation. Seven years later he kicked a homeless man.

Edward Hillington-Blossomhill (1878 - 1956) was a member of the British aristocracy that left his life of lavish plenty behind and pursued a misguided career in gin-soaked empire building across the world.

Gabriel Finchley (1985 - present) is a web developer and amateur archaeologist working in the Sussex area. In November 1995 while digging in snow, Gabriel uncovered a frozen-up homeless man. Rather than alerting the authorities, Gabriel re-covered the man and wrote about the experience on his blog.

Philip 'Yancy' Philips (1930 - present) day thought he was a pretty 'cool dude'. But when in 1956 he though it would be 'cool' to steal from an old peoples home he got more than he bargained for (his arrest). Due to a clerical error he awaits his sentencing in a minimum security prison in Brighton